


Follow Me Home

by CleverKitsune



Category: What We Do in the Shadows (TV)
Genre: Dog Jokes, M/M, Shapeshifting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 23:00:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26945578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CleverKitsune/pseuds/CleverKitsune
Summary: Set after the events of the season two finale, Guillermo has left the vampire residence with no intention of returning. That is, unless Nandor's fool proof plan can convince him otherwise. Shape-shifting antics ensue. Written in the style of the show.
Relationships: Guillermo de la Cruz/Nandor the Relentless, Laszlo Cravensworth/Nadja
Comments: 6
Kudos: 48





	Follow Me Home

_Camera focuses in on Guillermo de La Cruz who looks objectively tired and irritated:_ “He thinks I don’t know its him. Of course I know its him.”

_The camera’s scope widens to include the rest of the public park. It is night, and the occasional streetlamp serves as the only light source for the large grassy space. A dozen yards behind Guillermo trails a large black German shepherd dog. The dog’s tail wags, and it looks directly at the camera as the operator focuses in on it. Its eyes reflect a stark red in the lights of the cameras._

_Cut to several days earlier, at the vampire residence. Nandor is sprawled on a lounge in the blue room, arms crossed and looking pointedly away from the other vampires. His clothing is rumpled, and his fine shirt has several large splotches of blood on it. His long hair is knotted and messy looking. Nadja and Lazlo are on a couch opposite him. Colin Robinson is standing in the furthest corner of the room. His mouth is open, his eyes flash an unsettling bright blue as the camera brings him into focus and then quickly pans away._

_Laszlo opens his palms in a beseeching gesture_ “Look chap, you know we support you, always have, but to be quite honest, you’re kind of…”

“Completely killing the mood and being a huge sad sack around the house and we are sick of it, is what Laszlo is trying to say.” _Nadja finishes for her husband._

“Yes exactly, thank you my love. _“Lazlo looks adoringly at Nadja._

_Nandor mumbles indecipherably into the lounge he is draped over._

_Nadja rolls her eyes and addresses the camera_ “He’s been like this since the theater. One minute he was yelling at his familiar about the laundry after the fucking guy kills a whole theater full of vampires, the next minute he is like this when the same guy unties us and just leaves. I mean, obviously Guillermo is being ungrateful after all we have done for him, but what can you do?” She shrugs.

 _Laszlo gestures towards his wife_ “Too right. I mean, he could have just physically grabbed him and dragged him back here, its not exactly hard to lift one human, but I think we were all a little wary of getting too close to Gizmo after the whole- _” Laszlo pantomimes staking a vampire, taking care to mimic blood splattering across his face and clothes_ “Incident.”

 _Nadja stands up and crosses the room to stand over Nandor. She claps her hands above him. He hisses halfheartedly at her and she hisses back_ “Get up! No more moping, either get your stupid familiar to come back or go get a new one!”

 _Nandor huffs_ “I am Nandor the Relentless, I should not have to get a new familiar! Fucking guy. After all I’ve done for him, he just leaves again, not even a letter this time…”

“Not to cut short a delicious meal, but- “ _Collin Robinson’s voice comes from off camera. The camera slowly focuses on the corner he is standing in. His eyes remain an unsettling blue_ “have you tried talking to him, and telling him how you feel?”

 _All three vampires in the area of the couches groan in unison. After a minute, Laszlo picks his head up, looking thoughtful_ “Well, absolutely don’t do that, but you know, that reminds me of a time when I was a lad, our family had a fine hunting dog that one day went missing…”

 _Nandor’s eyes appear to glaze over before he suddenly springs up_ “That’s it! Laszlooo, you have done it!” _The vampire runs out of the room and we hear the door opening and closing._

 _Laszlo nods knowingly and Nadja turns to look at him, an expression of disbelief on her face._ “What the hell did you say that got him to get up like that?”

“No idea. Want to have a bit of fun while he’s gone though?”

“Oh Satan yes.”

_The vampires turn in to bats, flying up the grand staircase, presumably to somewhere a little more private._

_Collin Robinson clears his throat. He is still standing in the corner, but his eyes are no longer blue_ “So, anyone want to hear about where the phrase ‘It takes money to make money’ first originated?”

_Cut to Nandor crouching in the bushes in the local public park. His eyes sparkle and he is whispering, occasionally parting the leaves to look out of the foliage at the well-tended path that winds nearby_ , _illuminated only sparingly by streetlights._ “Laszlo’s boring story about the dog has given me an idea. Humans love dogs! I myself had packs of fine hounds in Al-Quolanudar, and I can still remember how their little tails would wag as we would run across the countryside, chasing birds and deer and fleeing peasants… I will disguise myself as a dog, and Guillermo will be so charmed by my doggy antics that he will forget all about how mad he is, and when I turn back into a vampire, he will realize how wrong he was and beg me to come home! It’s perfect. Just like the documentary Airbud. Now we just need to wait.”

 _The camera zooms in on a figure slowly approaching the bushes from out of the darkness. Nandor looks smugly at the camera_ “You can take the familiar out of the chores, but you can’t take the chores out of the familiar. This is the path he used to take to get himself human food after taking away the dirty laundry. I found out one night when I followed him all night to make sure-“ Nandor suddenly looks embarrassed, then determined “It doesn’t matter why, geez, it’s a vampire thing. Look he’s coming!”

_There is a rushing sound and the form of Nandor dissolves like smoke, resolving itself in the form of a large black dog. The dog wags its tail and its lips pull back from its teeth, revealing large white canines. The dog’s lips pull back further, in what seems to be an attempt at a humanoid smile but looks more like a menacing snarl._

_The camera now returns to Guillermo, who stares directly ahead. His hand occasionally slips under his brown trench coat, where hints of a stake can be seen poking through an inside pocket lining the coat_. “He’s still there, isn’t he? Look I don’t know what this is but pretending to be a dog isn’t going to get me to go back there.” _Guillermo pauses, seemingly listening to something the camera crew says just off screen_ “Is that his whole plan, really?”

 _There is a sad sounding bark in the darkness behind Guillermo. Guillermo turns to look as a large black dog comes bounding out of the darkness toward him, something dark hanging from its mouth. Guillermo sighs and says, apparently for Nandor’s benefit_ “Oh look, a lost dog. How surprising. Hey there little guy, where did you come from?”

_The large black dog, tail wagging, whines in a friendly way and drops the thing in its mouth at Guillermo’s feet._

_Guillermo covers his mouth, his voice going an octave higher_ “O-Oh for the love of- how nice, you brought me… a dead, bloody rabbit. Uh, thank you.”

_The dog we presume is Nandor does a happy little spin, looking up with an expectant expression at Guillermo, red tongue lolling out of its mouth_

“Well uh, thank you, dog, but I have to go now. So. See you around I guess.”

_Guillermo begins walking away. The camera positions to behind the vampiric dog, filming Guillermo’s back as he fades into the darkness further down the path. The dog’s tail droops._

_The documentary starts back up with a view of the kitchen of the De la Cruz residence. The area around the table is well lit, and Guillermo and his mother are eating dinner. There is religious iconography tucked in corners all throughout the room. Adjacent to a silent refrigerator, a mini fridge hums in the background._

_There is a knock at the door._

_Madre de la Cruz puts down her silverware and gets up to answer the door, waving at her son to sit back down._ “Esperas visitas, Guillermo?”

 _Guillermo’s brow furrows as his eyes follow his mother from the kitchen to the entrance of their home_. “No Mama”

The camera stays on Guillermo as the door creaks open. There is a noise of surprise and delight from Guillermo’s mother. “!Guillermo, es un perro! Y cual es este? … Este perro es de tuio, Guillermo?”

Guillermo jumps out of his chair, racing toward the door “What?” quietly, to himself “Shit, shit, shit” loudly, to his mother “Uh mom, don’t let that dog inside please! It could have rabies!”

“Guillermo! What a mean son I have, making his dog sleep outside?! Pobrecito, he even has your little doll in his mouth. Ven aquí perrito, ven aquí!”

“Mom no!”

_But the gesturing of Madre De la Cruz and the command are apparently invitation enough. The camera follows the large fuzzy paws of the black dog as it steps over the threshold of the De la Cruz home, a stuffed effigy of Guillermo dressed as a vampire clamped tightly in its jaws. It wags its tail at Guillermo._

“Oh, look how happy! Guillermo, where did you find this one?!” _She seems to scrutinize the large canine, gently stroking Nandor’s face and speaking softly in Spanish to him. Guillermo does not appear to breathe for the entire exchange, eyes glued on the dog. The vampire Nandor, currently masquerading as a dog, looks incredibly pleased with himself, eyes half closed during the exchange. Guillermo’s mother walks back into the kitchen, opening cupboards and closing them quickly._ “Aye we have no dog food! Guillermo, how could you let your dog go hungry? And how long has he been outside, his fur is all matted!”

_Guillermo and Nandor follow his mother into the kitchen. She is looking intently into the cupboard, and so does not take notice when the canine begins to gently smoke. Guillermo looks around the room and the camera follows his eyes, pausing on each of the many, many pieces of Catholic art decorating the De la Cruz kitchen. A picture of the virgin Mary looks directly down at Guillermo, her face impassive to his growing distress. The black dog’s eyes begin to leak blood._

“Well, uh, I guess I should take him to my room then, get him cleaned up and go buy dog food. Sorry for keeping him a secret mama, I just uh, didn’t think you’d want me to have a dog. Anyway, sorry and I love you, goodnight!”

 _Guillermo hurriedly pushes the large dog out of the kitchen, down the hallway and into his small childhood room. For a moment, the man and dog are framed in the doorway of the bedroom, the ex-familiar pointing accusingly at the dog. Faintly, the camera crew picks up the one sided accusation_ “You know exactly what you’re doing, you made my mother invite you inside!“ _Guillermo abruptly stops talking, and both man and dog look directly at the camera down the hallway before Guillermo closes the door, cutting off the documentary crews’ view of his bedroom._

_The camera crew does not record the following exchange._

Guillermo throws his hands up in the air “Mast-Nandor, why are you doing this?!”

There is a rushing noise and the large black dog’s smokey form re-materializes as Nandor, the Guillermo doll still clenched in his canine teeth. The vampire smiles innocently through a mouth of Guillermo doll before letting the plush fall to the floor.

“Guillermooo, I am so surprised you were home! You uh, you left this when you took all of your human belongings, and I thought, this guy, he will be missing his little doll, and then I thought it would be faster to get here in doggy form, and then your mother was so nice but her home is very burn-y and-“

Guillermo holds up a hand, cutting off Nandor’s explanation. He rubs at his eyes with his other hand as the vampire’s expression quickly changes from innocence to a look of disgruntlement “Hey! that’s very rude to interrupt people with your sassy hands, Guillermo, especially your master! Not cool.”

“You aren’t my master anymore.” Guillermo says quietly. Nandor looks genuinely distressed by these words for a second, but then his expression darkens. “This is what you say to me, after I did an Airbud and everything?! Enough of this, Guillermo. You are being foolish, come home or I’ll- “

“Or you’ll what, huh? Kill me? Or maybe bite me, like you promised you would!?” Guillermo laughs softly, but it is not a pleasant sound. “I don’t even know if you could get close enough to kill me at this point.”

Nandor is suddenly in Guillermo’s personal space, looming above him menacingly “I am Nandor the Relentless! I led armies, I have killed hundreds of men and you would be no different!”

In a split second, Guillermo’s hand snakes into the collar of his sweater, clutching a crucifix necklace that he thrusts into the vampire’s face. Nandor hisses, involuntarily recoiling from the sight of the cross and Guillermo presses the advantage, pulling a wooden stake from the pocket of the trench coat hanging nearby. Nandor’s eyes flick to the stake then back to Guillermo’s face.

Suddenly the curtains of the ex-familiar’s room alight, flames licking up the polyester fabric. Guillermo turns to look in horror, dropping the crucifix and reaching toward the flames to put them out “Puta! Shit, Nandor this is my mama’s house!”

In Guillermo’s distress at the thought of his mother’s home burning, he forgets for a second the gravity of the situation. The vampire does not.

Nandor pounces, seizing his ex-familiar by the shoulders and pinning him to the wall. Guillermo’s feet dangle slightly above the ground. He fights to break free of the vampire’s grip, the stake in his hand shaking as he struggles to point it toward his former master’s chest. The tip of the stake comes to rest just to the side of the vampire’s heart, but the vampire slayer does not press down. Nandor’s eyes darken and his fangs elongate, preparing to deal a killing blow.

Then the door swings open.

“Guillermo, these cameramen are asking if they should go home for the night, what do you want me to tell them?”

_Camera follows Mama de la Cruz into Guillermo’s room. Guillermo is pinned to the wall by a large black dog, and both he and the dog wear looks of confusion at the sudden entrance of his mother. Guillermo has one hand behind his back._

“Mama! Sorry, I was just uh-“ the _ex familiar slowly pulls the wooden stake out from behind his back, holding it horizontally._ “Playing fetch with my uh, dog.”

“Aye not in the house! Guillermo! Oh no and look at your curtains mijo, you let the dog chew the curtains?!” _Guillermo’s mother clicks her tongue and the noise makes the vampire slayer cringe. She sighs, holding out a what looks to be a brush._ “Here, I found this from when we took in your abuelita’s perrita Maggie. Is not the right brush for this dog, but it should be okay to get the mats out.”

“Mats?” _Guillermo looks confusedly at the large dog. Guillermo’s mother walks over and sits on the bed, patting the bed beside her_ “Perrito, guapo, Ven aquí.”

_Slowly, Nandor makes his way to the foot of the bed and sits next to Guillermo’s mother. In dog form, his head is above the seated human woman’s knee. She pats her knee, and the dog’s eyes meet the camera for a second before he slowly lowers his head to her knee. With gentle, careful strokes, Madre De la Cruz begins brushing the fur of Nandor the Relentless._

“Mijo, I am not mad you got a dog. A dog is not a problem, they can be expensive, but we will find a way. I am mad because it does not seem like you are taking enough care of him. He depends on you. A dog, they have no one else in the world but their owner. They love and they love because that is all they can give, and to be a good owner you must give all the love back.”

_The vampire dog’s eyes flick up to Guillermo. The big black dog lets out a quiet whine. Guillermo’s expression softens and he drops the stake, gently sitting on the bed next to Nandor’s shoulder. Guillermo holds out his hand for the brush and his mother wordlessly hands it to him. With careful, faltering passes, he begins to brush behind Nandor’s ears. The dog lets out a sigh and closes his eyes._

_The camera crew is ushered out of the room by Guillermo’s mother, with quiet, gentle admonitions about how late it is, how their families must worry. The following interaction is not recorded._

The door closes. Guillermo continues to brush Nandor’s fur, neither seeming willing to break the silence for a second. Then there is a rushing noise and the vampire Nandor the Relentless is seated in front of Guillermo’s legs. He looks back at his former familiar hopefully.

Guillermo sighs and continues to brush his hair. Nandor closes his eyes. A peaceful silence falls between the two.

Nandor again breaks the silence first “If you…If you came back, you could have Colin Robinson’s old room. And... I could let you have more of your breaks, maybe. And another pillow if you want.”

Guillermo works carefully at a knot near the top of the vampire’s head. ”If I came back… it wouldn’t be the same. You know that, right? I can’t live like a servant anymore. Plus-” He sighs, “it would be too dangerous for all of you. I’ve almost killed you before on accident, remember Carol?”

Nandor turns in his seated position, looking up at Guillermo with something close to desperation. “You could have killed me earlier too, but you didn’t. We all fight, I have fights with Laszlo all the time. You can’t just…leave, never to return?” He says the next part so softly Guillermo almost doesn’t hear it. “Please come home.”

Guillermo looks the vampire in the eyes. He smiles, but his voice is quiet, and sounds brittle. “You know, there was a time where I would have given anything to hear you say something like that.”

Nandor holds out his hand. Guillermo, an expression of confusion on his face, slowly hands the vampire the brush. The vampire climbs onto the bed, gesturing for Guillermo to come closer. The former familiar slowly slides toward Nandor, a look of apprehension furrowing his forehead.

The vampire, making gentle eye contact, begins to brush Guillermo’s hair with the dog brush. The gesture seems a little awkward for both parties, but color begins to dust Guillermo’s cheeks.

“I… have not been taking care of you, Guillermo. I’m sorry. You are the dog in your mother’s story, and I am the bad man who has not been returning…” He trails off, an expression of mortification crossing the vampire’s intimidating features. “Guillermo, do you lo-“

“You know what actually, lets not get into it! Lets- lets not even go there, haha-“ Guillermo tries to move away, but a hand on his shoulder holds him in place.

“I will try to return it.” Nandor says quietly, serious. “I accept your-your feelings, and I will try to return them.” the vampire’s hand slides slowly, gently, to cover the vampire slayer’s smaller one.

_The camera comes in to focus on the front porch of the vampire residence. Seated on the porch are Nandor and Guillermo. The camera focuses on their hands, which are discreetly joined between them._

_Nandor looks at the camera_ “So I am sure you are thinking, there must be many changes going on in the house. That is very true.”

_Guillermo smiles at Nandor. Suddenly, the sound of enormous feet pounding the grass comes from just off camera. There is a sound like a bark, if a bark could reverberate and echo in such a way that it sounded like hundreds of dogs at once. A gigantic black dog with flames licking from its eyes and mouth comes bounding up to the pair seated at the porch. The camera focuses on the animal, which, based on its proportions and its large head and chubby skin rolls, seems to be a puppy. The creature puts its paws on Nandor’s chest and licks his face, lava dripping off its tongue. The vampire’s skin sizzles as he smiles triumphantly at the camera, holding the giant dog up under its armpits for the camera to see._

“We got a dog!”

Fin.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! This fic, like all of the fics I've written, was an idea that wouldn't leave me alone until I had written it down. I hope you enjoyed doggy Nandor, I really love all the vampiric powers the characters in this show just casually have and I hope we see more of them in future seasons. Time for another several-year long hibernation~


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